Mango Matt's Disappearance

Matt's supposed disappearance of 1950-1955 is explained...

Mango Matt Returns

Late December of 1950 Matt was no longer to be found in his homeland. At first it was assumed that he was on another of his sojourns, and he would return home soon. However days grew to weeks, weeks to months, and finally months became years without any sign of Matt.

Matt's experiments of hybridizing the Mango tree culminated in the late 1940's with some very substantial results, which he kept secret from the public. However, he did share this information with an extremely interested U.S. Government.

This remarkable botanist had developed a hybrid mango tree that could survive temperature extremes of minus 200 to plus 225 degrees Fahrenheit without the normal air qualities one would expect it to need. Practically a new species, it was named "Mangonomo Matti".

"Mangonomo Matti" had several most interesting qualities. As each tree reached approximately 3 years of age it achieved the ability to moderate the climate in approximately a one acre area. This new micro climate was perfectly suited for human habitation with temperatures varying from 55 to 83 degrees Fahrenheit. A second quality of this mango tree was its ability (achieved at 1-2 years of age) to absorb air that was poisonous to humans and give off excellent oxygen enriched air.

The U.S. Department of Climate Control approached Matt in early 1950 with a request to conduct a secret experiment on the Malamig Island (later renamed Mangolia) in the Arctic Ocean, located several hundred miles north of Point Barrow, Alaska. Malamig Island suffered from temperatures as low as minus 125 degrees Fahrenheit annually, and was uninhabited. Malamig Island covered approximately 92 acres and was completely devoid of vegetation and wildlife.

Information on Matt's secret experiment for the Department of Climate Control has surfaced and Just Another Bipod wishes to share with the world what miracle Matt accomplished.

This information is limited in quantity. December 28, 1950 Matt embarked on the ice cutter USS Northern Enterprise from a secret location in California. This small ship was tightly packed with survival gear for Matt and included 100 of his "Mangonomo Matti" mango tree seedlings. A small log cabin was included for Matt's personal use, as well as a supply of food and fuel.

The ship arrived at Malamig Island January 18th, 1951. The crew stayed long enough to set up Matt's log cabin and offload his supplies. Still unsure of Matt's mission, the crew departed January 22nd, with strict orders to pick Matt up in mid July. A kind hearted crew member left his cell phone for Matt to use.

Matt struggled to get his mango seedlings planted. One would think that planting 100 trees in more than 5 months would be simple. However, the readers must remember that Malimig Island was in the land of permafrost, with the ground permanently frozen to a depth of more than three feet. Before each tree seedling could be planted it was necessary to defrost the earth to a minimum of 18". On a very good day, Matt was able to plant five of these mango tree seedlings.

Yet Matt was able to accomplish his mission ahead of schedule, and by late May of 1951 all the seedlings had been planted, and were adapting quite well to Malamig Island.

Patiently Matt awaited the return of the USS Northern Enterprise, unaware that it had been deployed to the waters off of North Korea and sunk in battle, with the loss of all crew members. In 1954 Matt began to wonder why he had not been picked up yet.

Victorina

At this stage in the hybrid
mango trees development, the climatic control properties of the tree had already changed Malamig Island's micro climate, and Malamig Island was becoming quite a pleasant place. Irregardless of the pleasantness of Malamig Island, Matt began to miss his wife Victorina.

Fearful of roaming charges, Matt had been concerned of using the cellphone given to him by the sailor on the USS Northern Enterprise. However, in the spring of 1955 Matt decided to call the Department of Climate Control to inquire as to when he would be picked up.

Somehow, all records of Matt had been lost by the U.S. Department of Climate Control. Matt explained in his phone call how Malamig Island had been transformed into a semi-tropical paradise.

Unfortunately, Matt's phone call was treated as a prank call by the department.

During lunch, the call taker shared information about this prank caller with his co-workers, and they all were having a good laugh at the thought of a semi-tropical island located north of Alaska.

Major Moustache (Ignacio Burnham Moustache), now acting as a temporary advisor for the Department of Climate Control overheard his friend Mango Matt's name laughingly mentioned at a nearby table. The polite Major inquired as to the nature of the amusement, and was given details as to the phone call.

Smiling knowingly, Major Moustache left the cafeteria and made two phone calls. The first was to Victorina, Mango Matt's wife. The second was to Abraham Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln immediately set up a "rescue mission" for his friend Matt. Though not officially a rescue mission, with Abraham Lincoln's authority it was given top priority. A USAF V-3 Seaplane was designated as the retrieve vehicle, based on its speed and carrying capacity. The passengers that were on this flight included Matt's wife (Victorina), Major Moustache, and of course Abraham Lincoln. The V-3 seaplane was piloted by a WWII hero, John F. Kennedy.

Landing on Malamig Bay at 9:17 am on May 17, 1955, the crew and passengers discovered the paradise created by Mango Matt. Abraham Lincoln, Major Moustache and the pilot John F. Kennedy congratulated Matt on a job quite well done.

Returning to the US, Matt was approached by individuals at the newly created NASA. Further details of this meeting will be included at a later date if they lead to any significant event(s).

Mango Matt

Perhaps you have heard of Johnny Appleseed?

Mango Matt

It is time you learned of Mango Matt, a kind-hearted sort of individual. He was variously known as Mango Matt, Matthew Mangoseed, and Mangoseed Matt.

Mango Matt grew up reading tales of Johnny Appleseed, Paul Bunyan, and the like. Matt was especially fond of the concept of Johnny Appleseed, and wished to do something similiar to leave his mark on the world.

While a child of 5, Mango Matt ran away from home and obtained work on a cargo ship as a ship sweeper. For 47 years Matt roamed the world as a ship sweeper, and a very good one he was. He saved pretty much all of his $25 per month wages. Matt lived a simple life on board ship, his main pleasure was reading and rereading The Tales of Johnny Appleseed.

At the age of 41, Matt's ship docked in the Philippines and took on a cargo of mangos. Onboard the cook served mangos with most meals on this voyage to Alaska.  Matt grew to love mangos, and wished to share them with the world somehow.

One night while rereading the Tales of Johnny Appleseed  Matt had an inspiration.  Yes, and a fine one it was, at least in theory. He could take his life savings, and on the next trip to the Philippines purchase many mango seeds. Once he returned to the states he could live a life of Johnny Appleseed and forest  his homeland with mango trees!

Matt waited and waited, and finally in 1937 his ship returned to the Philippines where Matt purchased copious amounts of mango seeds.

The return trip from the Philippines was a direct one to the United States. While on this voyage (his final one), Matt spent his time reading and rereading his book The Tales of Johnny Appleseed for all the technical information he could gather. 



Matt at 116 Years of Age

Matt's ship docked in Superior, Wisconsin on June12th,1938. Bidding a fond farewell to his captain and crewmates , Matt entrusted his precious cargo of mango seeds to the dockworkers while he went in search of a truck to purchase.

Definitely in luck, Matt located a 1927 Visti Overland Express ton and a half truck for a reasonable price, which he promptly purchased. After filling the tank on his Visti, Matt hurried back to the dock to pick up his precious cargo.

Thus began the legend of Mango Matt.

Mango Matt wandered thoughout the United States, and occasionally into Canada.

Today's vast forests of mango trees throughout the United States can be accredited to Mango Matt. They bear fruit year round, due to Matt's incredible location strategy for planting seeds.

It may be hard to believe, but at one time it was impossible to go out in the middle of a Northwest Wisconsin winter and pick a fine juicy mango. We all owe Matt a debt of gratitude, and if by chance you see him, tell him "Thanks for the mango." It always makes his day to hear that.

These photos were taken in the fall of 2002 in Omaha, Nebraska after the annual Mango Festival. Although 116 years of age at the time of these photographs, Mango Matt is still in remarkable shape. We chatted with Matt a while, and he said he owes his fine life to mangos. Matt says his aging process quit when he switched to a 100% mango diet.

The Bad Weed

The gardener discovered a new weed in the lettuce section of the garden. At first it is a tiny thing, hardly worth the trouble of removing. Besides, it is sort of cute, in a homely way. The gardener decide not to worry about it, after all, it is a huge garden, and what difference can one tiny weed make? It is in the lettuce section, and heck, the gardener really don't care for lettuce much anyhow.

As time progresses this weed grows bigger and more powerful. Soon the lettuce plants around it begin to wilt and die as this garden weed grows and grows. Perhaps it is time to pull it up. No, that would be a bad idea. If one were to pull it up, the act of dislodging it would kill a few of the surrounding lettuce plants.

Bad Weed

One weekend the gardener goes to the garden and discovers this weed has flowered and gone to seed. The wind blows the seeds throughout your garden. They sprout and begin to grow. Soon they will be just like the original weed, but there will be hundreds of them this time. Oh well, just ignore them, maybe they won't get big and strong anyhow.

Yet they do become big and powerful. These hundreds of new weeds each put out hundreds more seeds each, and these hundreds times hundreds of new plants spread throughout the yard. The good plants struggle to survive this invasion of their area, but to no avail. The weeds kill them pretty much all off.

It appears it is time to do something about this problem. A consultation with the International Society of Plants is needed to receive permission to remove this weed and all the other weeds it has spawned.

The International Society of Plants decides to hold a meeting to discuss this problem. They issue a resolution. It is harshly worded and presented to the original weed. This is the resolution they presented:

It has come to our intention that you may possibly be causing a few problems in your section of the garden. Please stop it, if you don't mind. Thank you very much for your time. Have a nice day.

Your friends,
The International Society of Plants

The gardener wonders if this resolution will work, but being a member of the International Society of Plants, he feels he must go along with their resolution.

The original plant prospers, and learns how to put out secretions that are deadly to all other plants. Gleefully this God of the Plant World (as he has taken to calling himself) experiments and learns of new ways to kill off other plant species that may compete with him for the Kingdom of the Garden.

Many many plants die. This cruel weed takes a perverse pleasure in watching the death of other plants. As his power increases, he has some of his offspring destroyed because he is secretly afraid of them.

One day this self proclaimed God of the Plant World sends some of his offspring into a neighboring garden, because this other garden has land he wants for himself. The gardener notices this, and with a couple of his friends he goes in and rescues the invaded garden. For now, these weeds are pushed back and contained within their original garden.

Years go by, and this weed prospers in this one garden. He grows richer and richer and discovers there are other types of weeds in the world and makes pacts with them. He discovers there are some gardeners that have fertilizer they will trade with him for his riches. These other gardeners are not very clever. They think the God of the Plant World is their buddy.

The good gardener begins to get annoyed with this so called God of the Plant World. He returns to the International Society of Plants to see how their resolution is working. They decide to hold a meeting. At the meeting they decide to contact the weed and request information from him on all the bad things he has. He sends them what he calls a complete list of his bad items. The International Plant Society says okee dokee, we will go to the garden and see these things are removed.

The International Society of Plants pays its inspectors money to make sure these bad things are destroyed. They will continue receiving this money for as long as the job takes. The longer it takes, the more money they will make. The scheming weed only tells the inspectors of his minor tools of destruction. Every now and then the evil weed destroys one of these minor weapons. The International Society of Plants cheerfully announces, "See, he is truly doing as we asked."

One of the bad gardeners laughs and laughs as he hears this claim. He is making much money by supplying the evil weed with supplies it needs to create more destructive items.

The good gardener finally has enough of this evil weed and all its evil companions. He announces he will destroy them before they enter all the gardens of the world.

Other gardeners say "No, this must not happen. After all, this bad weed has not entered any other gardens lately. We must wait until it enters the other gardens and causes much damage. If it ever does that, well, then we will think about doing something about it."

Many children of these other gardeners agree. They get together in large groups and hold rallies. They claim destruction of weeds is a bad thing to do.

One day the good gardener and his own children went into the infested garden with their hoes and dug up all the bad weeds.

The End

Whatever Became of Uncle Bob?

Chapter One: Uncle Bob's Last Picture  

Crevice The Cat

We weren't sure if that really was Uncle Bob laying all sprawled out all over the place. I mean, Uncle Bob was the casual sort, and he did tend to get mighty comfortable once he relaxed.

Still it just wasn't like him to be so careless and leave his left leg bone here, his right arm bone away over there, and the rest of himself all scattered round higgledy squiggledy.

Still, the sheriff identified him as Uncle Bob so we guessed it was. Besides, there was Uncle Bob's digital camera laying twenty seven feet and eight and three quarters inches away from the car, and the car was definitely Uncle Bob's car.

Uncle Bob's car was easy to recognize because the license plates said UNC BOB. That's the ones we got him for his birthday only three years and eighteen days earlier. He was so proud and happy to get them.

My cousin Little Bob went over and picked up the digital camera and held it next to his heart. You could tell he was a thinking about his long lost Daddy.

The rest of us was looking at those bones scattered around.

Us kids thought those bones were mighty peculiar looking for bones. They sort of looked like plastic ones like they sell at the Halloween Store over on Grimsby Street. I picked up the skull and and was getting ready to give it a good thump to see if it sounded like plastic, but Sheriff Wentworth saw what I was going to do and he got all red faced and mad, then he started yelling some real bad words, so that scared us kids and we ran away.

We ran up and down a few hills, and the sheriff chased us for a bit, but he was so fat from all them doughnuts he eats at Aunt Ethel's Doughnut Shop that he got tuckered out real quick like.

We runned a bit more, then we all stopped to hide at the log. That's a big oak tree that is a laying across the stream way behind the store. I looked over at Cousin Little Bob to see how he was doing, and I saw he was still a hanging on to his Daddy's digital camera. Looking down, I saw in my hands Uncle Bob's skull!

Well, I just stared at it, now knowing what to do with it. Something caught my attention, and I asked Cousin Little Bob if his Daddy had a tattoo on the top of his head. This was sort of a strange tattoo to have on top of a head, it said Made in China.

Well, my cousin he said no way would his Daddy have a tattoo like that on top of his head. So we got all cheered up cause we know this wasn't Uncle Bob's skull at all. Hoorah!

Cousin Little Bob started to play with his Daddy's digital camera. He flicked the power switch to the On position then he moved the mode button to Review Images. He smiled at a picture, so we asked him what he was a smiling at. Little Bob said it was a picture of his long last cat named Crevice, missing about three years now.

---

Chapter Two: Uncle Bob's Next to Last Picture
 

Mangolia

Cousin Little Bob continued his review of all the digital images on his Daddy's camera. Deep in thought and reminiscing about his poor lost Daddy and Crevice the Cat, the guy had some tears trickling down his face.

He stared at one picture for the longest time, deep in thought. Suddenly his eyes just sparkled and the biggest grin shot right across his face. I ain't poetic, but it was like the darkest night brightened by a friendly lightening bolt that chased away all gloom.

Little Bob started mumbling something over and over again. Well, we just couldn't figure out what he was saying, but he kept saying it louder and louder till all of a sudden we realized he was saying "Mangolia".

We didn't get it at first, but he calmed down a bit and said his Daddy was in Mangolia, cause that's where that picture of the big old jar like thing was taken. He'd seen it in some adventure magazine his Daddy had that told all about Mango Matt.

Major Moustache

Major Moustache

Ignacio Burnham Moustache was a fine inventor. Ignacio was born in Vistiville, Virginia on May 8, 1840. Ignacio's father was a self taught schoolteacher and an inventor.

Ignacio's mother (Melissa Moustache) was the creator of the actual recipe for fried chicken that a certain restaurant chain uses to this day. Perhaps you have eaten Melissa's chicken at one of the Fine Fried Fowl Food restaurants?

Ignacio's childhood was a bit peculiar, he actually enjoyed school! His favorite subjects were arithmetic, science, and biology. His college years were well under way when the Civil War broke out. Ignacio joined the Union Army and, based on his schooling, was immediately made a doctor, with the rank of captain.

Captain I. B. Moustache was in Washington D.C. on April 14, 1864, the day President Lincoln was shot. Captain I. B. Moustache attended to the needs of President Lincoln after the assassination attempt. The Secret Service, fearing further attempts on President's Lincoln's life, publicly announced the death of the beloved President. However, President Abraham Lincoln was still very much alive, thanks to Captain Moustache.

The funeral of President Lincoln was a very elaborate hoax.

I.B. Moustache was promoted to the rank of Major due to his extraordinary abilities that resulted in the saving of President Lincoln's life. Entrusted with the health care of President Lincoln, the two became close friends.

Major Moustache was assigned as permanent doctor/caretaker for Abraham Lincoln and the Secret Service established a permanent secret residence (shown below) for the president.



Abraham Lincoln's Secret House

Slowly, one by one, the press was given reports of various incidents concerning the status of Abraham Lincoln's family. Yet, they did not die or end up in insane asylums, as these reports stated. It was a simple method used to get them out of the public spotlight and reunited with Abraham Lincoln.

As Abraham Lincoln's health continued to improve, Major Moustache found himself with more and more free time on his hands.

Major Moustache was able to spend time with his true love, the inventing of communication devices. Funded and encouraged by the US Army, Major Moustache began work on his most elaborate project. The goal was to create a machine that could process various types of information and send it between army units.

President Lincoln aided Major Moustache in this project. Little is known as to which individual contributed the most.

After several years of concentrated effort, the two gentlemen came up with what is best described as a steam powered computer/internet system. The computer itself was fairly limited by today's standard, but their internet transmission speed was extraordinary. By today's reckoning, transmissions in excess of 5,000 Kbps were reached. Their internet transmission utilized no cables or phone lines,it was a radio wave type transmission.

A major problem with this was that it relied on line of site. The sending and receiving stations needed to be in a direct line of site with each other. Any obstruction such as buildings, mountains, or even the curvature of the earth would block transmission.

Transmission was attempted from the roof of the house, then a nearby hill. Results were disappointing. 20 miles appeared to be the maximum range. This limited range was extremely disappointing to all concerned. The radio wave type transmission utilized had unlimited distance, but only in a straight line.

In an overnight dream, Major I.B. Moustache came up with the thought that perhaps these waves could be reflected off the moon allowing great distances to be achieved.

With a few alterations to the project and home (including the "roof window" seen in the picture) Ignacio and Abraham were able to test this theory. Bouncing the transmissions off the moon increased the possible distance between sending and receiving stations to an incredible range of up to 10,983 miles!

Retiring from the military, Ignacio Burnaham Moustache formed a company called IBM, using his own initials. One would assume that with this greatly expanded operating range this contraption known as "The IBM Extraordinary Thinking and Transmission Device" would be in great demand.

Yet this was not to be. With the invention of the telephone the IBM company was an unwanted business on the marketplace. Folks wanted immediate voice transmission, not a text or image transmission that depended on whether or not the moon was overhead. Sadly, this was an invention that was not to be used. A shame it is, imagine the possibility of having one of these devices in your own home.

Toilet Paper Preservation Society

Founded March 16, 1891. Dedicated to the preventions of abuse, misuse, and overuse of toilet paper.

Toilet paper does not grow on trees.

In the end, everbody eventually uses too much toilet paper.

The overuse of toilet paper is an addiction. One starts small, perhaps one sheet a day, then they find themselves using two sheets, three sheets, and soon find themselves using rolls of toilet paper every day.

This addiction is caused by certain individuals dependence on chemicals used in the manufacture of toilet paper. They do not knowingly become addicted, it just happens.

Improper diet can cause an increased need (both physical and psychological) for more and more toilet paper. If you doubt this, attempt a little experiment. The three day prune diet will convince you of this.

July 4th, 1913, Jonathan P. Ingleston of The Toilet Paper Preservation Society released the first commercial version of Jonathan's Chemical Free Bathroom Tissue. The addicted individual should use this alternative to "normal" toilet paper.

The Society goes along with the fact that toilet paper has become almost a needed item in most parts of the world. The goals of The Society in regards to toilet paper are simple:

• Limit it's usage.
  
  
• Endorses the concept of reusable toilet paper.
  
  
• Add a small luxury tax to toilet paper, perhaps $5.00 per roll, with all proceeds from this to go to the Toilet Paper Preservation Society.
  
  
• Encourage constipation among all citizens of the world.
  
  
• Ban the use of laxatives.

All individuals are welcome to become members of this society.