Major Moustache

Major Moustache

Ignacio Burnham Moustache was a fine inventor. Ignacio was born in Vistiville, Virginia on May 8, 1840. Ignacio's father was a self taught schoolteacher and an inventor.

Ignacio's mother (Melissa Moustache) was the creator of the actual recipe for fried chicken that a certain restaurant chain uses to this day. Perhaps you have eaten Melissa's chicken at one of the Fine Fried Fowl Food restaurants?

Ignacio's childhood was a bit peculiar, he actually enjoyed school! His favorite subjects were arithmetic, science, and biology. His college years were well under way when the Civil War broke out. Ignacio joined the Union Army and, based on his schooling, was immediately made a doctor, with the rank of captain.

Captain I. B. Moustache was in Washington D.C. on April 14, 1864, the day President Lincoln was shot. Captain I. B. Moustache attended to the needs of President Lincoln after the assassination attempt. The Secret Service, fearing further attempts on President's Lincoln's life, publicly announced the death of the beloved President. However, President Abraham Lincoln was still very much alive, thanks to Captain Moustache.

The funeral of President Lincoln was a very elaborate hoax.

I.B. Moustache was promoted to the rank of Major due to his extraordinary abilities that resulted in the saving of President Lincoln's life. Entrusted with the health care of President Lincoln, the two became close friends.

Major Moustache was assigned as permanent doctor/caretaker for Abraham Lincoln and the Secret Service established a permanent secret residence (shown below) for the president.



Abraham Lincoln's Secret House

Slowly, one by one, the press was given reports of various incidents concerning the status of Abraham Lincoln's family. Yet, they did not die or end up in insane asylums, as these reports stated. It was a simple method used to get them out of the public spotlight and reunited with Abraham Lincoln.

As Abraham Lincoln's health continued to improve, Major Moustache found himself with more and more free time on his hands.

Major Moustache was able to spend time with his true love, the inventing of communication devices. Funded and encouraged by the US Army, Major Moustache began work on his most elaborate project. The goal was to create a machine that could process various types of information and send it between army units.

President Lincoln aided Major Moustache in this project. Little is known as to which individual contributed the most.

After several years of concentrated effort, the two gentlemen came up with what is best described as a steam powered computer/internet system. The computer itself was fairly limited by today's standard, but their internet transmission speed was extraordinary. By today's reckoning, transmissions in excess of 5,000 Kbps were reached. Their internet transmission utilized no cables or phone lines,it was a radio wave type transmission.

A major problem with this was that it relied on line of site. The sending and receiving stations needed to be in a direct line of site with each other. Any obstruction such as buildings, mountains, or even the curvature of the earth would block transmission.

Transmission was attempted from the roof of the house, then a nearby hill. Results were disappointing. 20 miles appeared to be the maximum range. This limited range was extremely disappointing to all concerned. The radio wave type transmission utilized had unlimited distance, but only in a straight line.

In an overnight dream, Major I.B. Moustache came up with the thought that perhaps these waves could be reflected off the moon allowing great distances to be achieved.

With a few alterations to the project and home (including the "roof window" seen in the picture) Ignacio and Abraham were able to test this theory. Bouncing the transmissions off the moon increased the possible distance between sending and receiving stations to an incredible range of up to 10,983 miles!

Retiring from the military, Ignacio Burnaham Moustache formed a company called IBM, using his own initials. One would assume that with this greatly expanded operating range this contraption known as "The IBM Extraordinary Thinking and Transmission Device" would be in great demand.

Yet this was not to be. With the invention of the telephone the IBM company was an unwanted business on the marketplace. Folks wanted immediate voice transmission, not a text or image transmission that depended on whether or not the moon was overhead. Sadly, this was an invention that was not to be used. A shame it is, imagine the possibility of having one of these devices in your own home.